I live with this type of strange anxiety. I have a feeling that I am not the only one who has AOSD and feels this sometimes, maybe all the time? No matter what I do, I have the thought of weighing out the consequences and take as many precautions as possible. But once in an while my judgement is not the best.

I know about health anxiety and I know it can really become an issue if I don’t rein in the uncomfortable thoughts of illness returning. I try hard to stay positive and keep my attention on my art and my horses, my intake of good food choices, except my weakness for Cheetos.

Lately, since January 10th 2020, I have not had any flare issues. This is good. However, in April I dismounted from my horse not using the mounting block. Big mistake. I did not want to land on my left foot due to the breaks I had in 2018, so I kept that leg up and landed on my right foot instead. I was thinking’ that it is healthy and strong and it can withstand the gentle impact. Uhm….wrong. I felt an immediate burning feeling and just chalked it up to a mild sprain. But now here are in June and the pain is worse.

I went to the orthopedic doctor yesterday, that worked with my broken bones in 2018, and he asked me, “what were you doing when this happened?” I explained my situation and he took x-rays. Again it showed nothing. But we recalled how the XRays last time showed nothing for 5 months but a huge swollen foot and severe pain daily eventually sent me into a huge flare and this has me worried. Back then, we ended up putting on a cast, blah blah blah…you recall this from earlier posts. UGH the memories…

So, today I had my MRI appointment, we aren’t taking any long drawn out time consuming chances this time. My anxiety is high. But having anxiety and fear doesn’t help anything so I need to calm down.

I have heard about health anxiety and it’s a hard topic to understand when one is healthy and does not have to worry about a possible impending, retuning flares. The crazy thing about this dragon disease is that I always have the feeling he’s lurking, waiting for the tiniest crack in my immune system or fatigue and he waits in the background. It’s an awful feeling.

I do not always feel anxiety, sometimes it’s very subtle. Just a quick thought. But today, I am feeling anxiety and I am doing my best effort to cope with it. I fear the way this foot situation will impact my life again. The MD said, “ well it could be a few different things, a neurona, a fracture, a ligament or tendon tear. He was against an MRI so quickly, until I reminded him of the 5 months I walked on 3 broken bones in my left foot and the pin sent me into ones of the worst flares in years. So, I have an MRI scheduled for tomorrow.

To keep my sprits up, I will draw something cheerful and stay positive. I’m serious, if I didn’t have my art as a daily outlet to bring me into the present with cheerful colors, I’m afraid of how I would be.

I remind myself that even if my body or health may be broken, my mind is not. And my heart isn’t either. It’s still whole to send out love to everyone suffering. I remind myself that I may be in pain, but there have been days I have had zero pain, and this too shall pass.

So, I’m not sure what the MRI will reveal, but yesterday, I saw the most beautiful little bird singing as I sat in my car before I went into the MD office. It mesmerized me and brought me back to the knowing of joy. And when I got home, I drew it.

Wishing you all good health friends. Stay healthy.

Claudine

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