It sure seems that many people are increasingly overwhelmed and losing their cheerfulness. Many of the people I know, appear to be under more stress than ever. This makes me feel a desire to help them sort out their feelings and ease their stress. But I cannot take on the role of therapist for everybody. And besides at this time in my life, when I do try and assist too many people, I become depleted and extremely fatigued.
I do know for sure that my own situation could bring on a depressive attitude, and it has. It is not easy having a rare disease that takes over your life. Even the simple abuse of energy becomes a draining situation that can take away my energy for days. A daily to-do list can feel like a never ending bottomless pit of obligations. This is when I must remember to use my learned skill of mindfulness.
The only way I have learned to stay calm is to stop and know that if I do not finish the to-do list the world will not end.
But here’s the clincher, what if the to do list includes doing things for people, getting things done for people, arranging tasks for people? What then? You can’t just stop and say no. When people are depending on you, this is when it becomes overwhelming. I had a dream the other night that I was a piece of toast and many birds were pecking at me, biting pieces of flesh off my body, taking taking and taking. I woke up feeling drained.
I decided that I must not allow this to happen. My body is being robbed of energy. And with my illness, I don’t have much to spare.
When I practice mindfulness, I feel a relaxed feeling. I feel a release of pressure. I focus on my breath and turn my attention inward. I hear the ticking of a clock. I feel the rise of my breath in my body and the exhale . If I could just maintain this feeling, it would be wonderful. But I must remember that this my life. I make it what it is. If I want to feel calmness, I must cultivate calmness. If I want peace, I must cultivate peace.
I acquired AOSD in 2008. I have suffered so terribly and have found ways to help me regain my life. This my personal journal of this mystery illness to diagnosis. I hope that I can help others with my experience and information.