It has been a while my last post. Once in a while I would think about posting but felt like it could be an omen that I better let sleeping dogs lie. It is strange how the fear of a relapse can trigger a paranoid feeling. I am still on 2.5 mg of Methotrexate a week (1 small, teeny, tiny yellow pill). It has been over a year now, just 1 pill. What a thought that perhaps I do not even need this 1 tiny pill. Every Monday, I open the bottle, I hesitate a few seconds, and my thought is as I think to myself, this will be the last pill I take, next week, Im done! But every week, I can not bring myself to stop. However, brave and courageous, I almost stppped! I did, wait until Tuesday, and even until Wednesday several weeks ago. I just didn’t want to take it. But, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t face the thoughts of fear. I got up out of bed at 2am to take the methotrexate. I just cant take the chance. I CAN NOT TAKE THE CHANCE. I can not face the possibility of flaring again. The fear is profound. I become anxious.
Every little out of sync signal is taken as a “what if”. I know this type of thinking is not healthy. But thankfully, I do not get many signals at all. Maybe about once a month I will get a loud, body encompassing message that I have over done it, and the last one was this past saturday. I worked a long day at the hospital, longer than usual. Since the caseload was high, I tried to see as many patients as possible. I came home exhausted, ate dinner, and went to bed with chills, so cold I could not warm up ( I live in Arizona where today it is 108 degrees), to not be able to get warm in this weather is a signal to me that things are a little off kilter in my body. Then, 4 hours later drenching sweat. But…..thats all. It does not reappear, no real rash shows up, no ongoing symptoms, no joint pain (this time), no residual fatigue the next day.
So, I don’t know if this is common for AOSD people, is this ” immune system? malfunction” a long ago vestige of beast that lived, kind of like an appendix? No longer useful (they say) but stays around until it flares once in a while? Either way, I feel fine. In fact, I feel great. If the one measly pill keeps the dragon away, don’t mess with success. I mean seriously, taking 1 pill a week takes about 10 seconds to; open the bottle, swallow it and rink some water. It sure beats months of devastating joint pain, sweats, swollen lymph nodes, liver changes, high levels of steroids, high amounts of methotrexate that make me vomit and tremendous suffering. No, I think I will take the beautiful little sunshine yellow pill.
Stay Healthy My friends,